stupid parent-child talks. they are driving me crazy. pero totoo naman 'yun sinabi ni mama.

the guy is suppose to pay for everything. pero nasa isip ko, my friend is freaking right. high maintenance pa la ako. i just don't admit it to myself. siguro kasi lumaki ako sa boundary ng extravagance at low profile life. pero i'm okay with simple life. na may nakakain three times a day. nakakaligo. may electricity. tubig. internet connection. cable. money. okie. so i am kinda poofed.

sabi ni mama kailangan ko daw ng mayamang asawa. para wala na kong gawin kung hindi i-continue ang life na kinagisnan ko. she doesn't see me working. kasi tamad ako. gusto ko lang magtravel. culture. magbasa. maglakwatsa. makakilala ng ibang tao at malaman ang buhay nila. or makalikot. gusto ko maging pilot. para landing lang poproblemahin ko. kasi mahirap maglanding. gusto ko magpiloto ever since i had a trip where we almost landed but didn't. parang sa movies na kala mo maglaland pero nagtake off kasi traffic sa port. well ganun. galing kasi e. aerodynamics. ibang klase. galing kasi e. naamaze ako.

at masaya maging pilot. pero you still have to finish a four year course to admit and become a pilot. preferably engineering and the like. so ipupursue ko un course ko ng walang bagsak tapos aaral ako maging piloto. ayaw mo nun. free ticket to the whole world. at mataas ang sweldo. considering the risks involved in being a pilot. BUT what the heck e gusto ko maging pilot e.

wala lang. cool kasi e. hay. and besides 100k per month ang sweldo + the benefits of traveling wherever you want. gusto ko na talaga maging pilot. hay. these dreams. T_T stupid dreams.

maybe i'll just sit and become a fat house wife while i wait for you from work. and read and read. and play tennis. or become a tennis instructor para di naman ako fat.

nawawalan na din kasi ng sense ang college e. if i ever want to pursue something i would really love. theology un. or haha. psychology. or something with relation to life and people. YUN practical na talaga. i really don't like this feeling. ang worthless ko sobra. kahit sa iyo. parang feel ko ikaw lang nagmamahal. parang di mo nafefeel na mahal kita. gusto ko mafeel mo pero lagi na lang tayo nag aaway dahil feel mo hindi kita mahal. ang worthless ko. sabi mo masasanay ka na lang. or kalimutan na lang. me and my spoiled brat attitude. spoiled din ako e. too much love.

i never felt rejected. except when you came. doon ako natakot mareject kasi baka masakit. kaya kapag iniwan mo ko, alam ko na feeling ng rejection and i would probably be depressed somewhere. becoming anorexic or even better, in the jungles of Brazil as a missionary.

i'm not happy with my life. or what i would be doing in the future. gusto ko may worth lahat ng ginagawa ko. kahit impossible minsan kasi isa akong walang sense na tao. i worry about weight loss when a lot of people are suffering from malnutrition. minsan ang babaw ko sobra. actually lagi naman akong mababaw e. di ko lang alam. crystal clear water nga ako. walang kalaliman kasi kahit akala mo malalim un tubig. mababaw lang. parang sa shore. sa Caribbean . kala mo malalim. pero mababaw lang. may current nga lang pero lahat namang ng part ng dagat may current e. okay wala na naman akong sense.

i am a self proclaimed mentally ill person. please be patient with me.

ayokong mawala ka.