nakakadepress naman parang wala akong bestfriend except you haha
ganoon ba ako kasama?

i have just finished the orange girl novel by jostein gaardner. and i say he is one of the most profound writers of all time. all his novels seem to have a bit of universe in them but limiting to the world we call EARTH. he has the perfect blend of philosophical riddles but at the same time mind twisting stories you can't help but think twice. the orange girl is really a modern fairy tale since it could happen to anyone. and it is not far from being true either. maybe once in a lifetime someone named veronika fell in love with jon olav. and they discover this book and decided to name their son georg. the more i'd be delighted when i find that they live in Norway.

when you choose life, you choose death. sad but true. it is the unbearable true we must all learn to live by. and hoping for something that is unlikely to happen is something we call hope.

i'm tired. i think i need rest.

i am having the attention deficit syndrome and i want attention. haha from you. wala lang napakababaw kong tao. gusto ko lahat ng attention mo nasa akin. joke lang. yack ang loser ko na talaga. gusto ko ikaw lang. wala akong care sa iba. wee nagiging monogamous na ko. HOY infairness improving ako :) wala lang natutuwa lang ako na i can wait for you without PM-ing anybody to talk to me. of course nagrereply ako pagPiniPM nila ako. pero i dont start conversations. wohoo MILESTONE.

:)

a minute seems like an hour when your waiting. it's hard to be you. don't worry i won't make you wait anymore. it's hard. :P haha. or am i just really that impatient? drew, teach me how to be patient. T_T

i'm just too emotional

before i met you i was not scared of dying kasi nothing mattered much. i had friends, family and a whole bunch of acquaintances or connections i could utilized but in the end i see my life as lived for others and not much of the "ME" part. i was a performer because i had the urge to satisfy the audience and their satisfaction was the drive for my passion. i was a leader because i had the urge to serve other people although unappreciated most of the time. i eventually let go since i was getting too much critique.

but since i met you, i laid low. i stopped the leadership, and i began to realize who i was. i sang for the last time shaking. since, i felt i should be talking or rather texting you than singing in front of an audience who won't even care. it was a one time show and before, it would mean a lot. but then, it was pointless. to be appointed as a vice governor, even though i should have been the governor, is still useless because i could spend more of my time with you.

so you see, i had the knack for you even though you thought i didn't. and i'm really scared of death more than ever. because i see that life ends with death. or not really but i don't want to think about that. the more i look back to how i tackled about death before, the more i realized i changed a lot. before death was a neutral thing to me. it just passes by. but now, it seems like a thief. and i'm scared it will come. kasi wala namang nakakatakas sa kamatayan. lahat tayo mamamatay din. yun un nakakatakot. ayoko.

kasi nandyan ka.

i blab a lot. paano mo ko natatagalan. ang daldal ko pero walang kasense sense mga sinasabi ko. i'm not sweet. i'm not romantic. i'm not even understanding. i'm a self proclaimed selfish girl living in a world with too much air. too much fantasy. LIBRA ako. i'm suppose to be like that. grr. pero am i? hay ang labo ko talaga. bakit ba ako malabo. kasi 300+ na ang grado ng mata ko.

makwento ba ko? T_T

stupid parent-child talks. they are driving me crazy. pero totoo naman 'yun sinabi ni mama.

the guy is suppose to pay for everything. pero nasa isip ko, my friend is freaking right. high maintenance pa la ako. i just don't admit it to myself. siguro kasi lumaki ako sa boundary ng extravagance at low profile life. pero i'm okay with simple life. na may nakakain three times a day. nakakaligo. may electricity. tubig. internet connection. cable. money. okie. so i am kinda poofed.

sabi ni mama kailangan ko daw ng mayamang asawa. para wala na kong gawin kung hindi i-continue ang life na kinagisnan ko. she doesn't see me working. kasi tamad ako. gusto ko lang magtravel. culture. magbasa. maglakwatsa. makakilala ng ibang tao at malaman ang buhay nila. or makalikot. gusto ko maging pilot. para landing lang poproblemahin ko. kasi mahirap maglanding. gusto ko magpiloto ever since i had a trip where we almost landed but didn't. parang sa movies na kala mo maglaland pero nagtake off kasi traffic sa port. well ganun. galing kasi e. aerodynamics. ibang klase. galing kasi e. naamaze ako.

at masaya maging pilot. pero you still have to finish a four year course to admit and become a pilot. preferably engineering and the like. so ipupursue ko un course ko ng walang bagsak tapos aaral ako maging piloto. ayaw mo nun. free ticket to the whole world. at mataas ang sweldo. considering the risks involved in being a pilot. BUT what the heck e gusto ko maging pilot e.

wala lang. cool kasi e. hay. and besides 100k per month ang sweldo + the benefits of traveling wherever you want. gusto ko na talaga maging pilot. hay. these dreams. T_T stupid dreams.

maybe i'll just sit and become a fat house wife while i wait for you from work. and read and read. and play tennis. or become a tennis instructor para di naman ako fat.

nawawalan na din kasi ng sense ang college e. if i ever want to pursue something i would really love. theology un. or haha. psychology. or something with relation to life and people. YUN practical na talaga. i really don't like this feeling. ang worthless ko sobra. kahit sa iyo. parang feel ko ikaw lang nagmamahal. parang di mo nafefeel na mahal kita. gusto ko mafeel mo pero lagi na lang tayo nag aaway dahil feel mo hindi kita mahal. ang worthless ko. sabi mo masasanay ka na lang. or kalimutan na lang. me and my spoiled brat attitude. spoiled din ako e. too much love.

i never felt rejected. except when you came. doon ako natakot mareject kasi baka masakit. kaya kapag iniwan mo ko, alam ko na feeling ng rejection and i would probably be depressed somewhere. becoming anorexic or even better, in the jungles of Brazil as a missionary.

i'm not happy with my life. or what i would be doing in the future. gusto ko may worth lahat ng ginagawa ko. kahit impossible minsan kasi isa akong walang sense na tao. i worry about weight loss when a lot of people are suffering from malnutrition. minsan ang babaw ko sobra. actually lagi naman akong mababaw e. di ko lang alam. crystal clear water nga ako. walang kalaliman kasi kahit akala mo malalim un tubig. mababaw lang. parang sa shore. sa Caribbean . kala mo malalim. pero mababaw lang. may current nga lang pero lahat namang ng part ng dagat may current e. okay wala na naman akong sense.

i am a self proclaimed mentally ill person. please be patient with me.

ayokong mawala ka.

sana lang naappreciate mo na hinintay kita at gusto kita makausap. sinabi ko na gusto kita makausap e. wala lang.